Words I put into sentences......

I think this post will be a random one but who knows, I may find my thesis somewhere in the middle haha. 

It’s harder saying goodbye twice. By this I mean that I just got back (or rather a week or so ago) from Paris! I had an amazing time and met some new friends which is always fun! But above all else, I got to see my dear dear friend Karen! 

Karen and I have been friends for what seems like forever but closer to about 10 years :) It has been an amazing ride with her and I’m so lucky to have her in my life. Before I left for Morocco to join the Peace Corps, I KNEW it was going to be hard to say goodbye to people. I knew that. Of course I knew that. BUT at the same time I had been used to saying goodbye to people and not seeing them for a long time. I would think of it as “see you later” rather than “goodbye”. It must have been my childish way of coping with the sadness. And truthfully it still is. I don’t like goodbyes. Who does really? So therefore “see you later” makes it easier for me. 

More than a year ago I left California and came to Morocco and have been here ever since aside from random mini-vacations to Melilla (a Spanish enclave in Morocco) and to Brussels for Christmas, well and now Paris. Other than that, I have been in Morocco trying to understand this place, figure out where I can make my stand, make new friends both American and Moroccan etc. To say it’s been 100% fun is STUPID! haha. It’s definitely been a pain in the ass about 40% of the time but then again the other 60% of the time its been a blast getting to know a new place, new people and new things about myself. 

So any who, all these things have obviously changed me in ways that maybe I don’t even know yet but perhaps in ways that Karen had noticed? We didn’t talk about it and to be honest we just slipped back into our routine. It felt like we were never apart for the past year and a half haha. It was AMAZING! It was comforting, it felt like home, it was happy but at the same time it was incredibly sad. Probably more for me than Karen. As I’ve said to others on the phone, it was weird that I was going back to this life I have in Morocco and Karen was going back to California to start her new life at Chapman for grad school. The way we were interacting was as if we had come to Paris together rather than meeting up. I’m not sure if this is making any sense. Is it? I guess email me if you have questions haha. 

What I’m trying to say is that it was much more difficult to say goodbye to Karen this time around than the first time. I don’t think I showed it and I don’t think I realized it until I got back to my house in Morocco and had to deal with a snake lol. I miss people back home :( I really do.  I miss being up to date with my friends and family more so than I ever thought I would. I thought I was good at being away from people and I still am compared to others but after seeing Karen, it was a shock! It made me sooo happy and then sooo sad. Life really is a rollercoaster. 

Don’t get it twisted though, I’m still enjoying my time in Morocco for the most part. The prospect of new work with the American Corner in Oujda is awesome, potential guitar lessons in my site and not to mention I love the new volunteer friends I’ve made. And to be honest some of my best days are playing cards with the kids. It’s enough for me sometimes. For other volunteers, maybe or definitely not but for me, it is. 

There is always a TON of talk about what the hell volunteers are doing here and what the point of all of this is. And it’s hard to admit that we don’t really know. I definitely am not sure what I’m doing here sometimes. We tend to measure ourselves by our achievements, by things we can count and see tangible results. And for some letting go a little bit of this condition is VERY difficult. It certainly has been for me. 

I’m not one to be late to things or not show up at all. I’m no one to let people down. But here I feel like I do and it’s okay to lol. Let’s just say going back to America is going to be a bit difficult. And I still like being on time and “walking the talk” BUT at the same time, in my short time on Earth, I’ve really stopped to smell the roses. I’m 24 years old and have grown up in America where it’s GO GO GO GO GO, send an email, send a Facebook update and GO GO GO GO. 

In Morocco my life is pretty SLOW SLOW SLOW! The adjustment has been INSANE! And at times has not gone so well but still it’s going. I sort of like that at my age I have noticed the roses. I enjoyed sitting outside and just hanging out back in America but I don’t think I never really looked at my surroundings. 

But now I can sit outside, not even waiting for a ride or anything, and just admire my surroundings and take it all in. My site is beautiful. The way people interact in my site is beautiful. I love going for a walk in the morning and seeing a neighbor in the field and saying hello and then getting a lunch invite or some free food straight from the field lol. It’s amazing! 

Well this entry is very random indeed but I think has come to some sort of circle, no? To sum it up, I miss all of you back home! I’m enjoying Morocco and looking forward to the last 9 months or so of my service, and the unusual “cool” weather for July (knock on wood).